Conflicted

Yes I'm conflicted... Never thought of myself as being a complicated person, or even that I would be conflicted, but i do find myself being conflicted and I guess the fact that I would let the conflict continue does indeed prove that I am a little more complicated that I would like to think that I am.

Case in point. We spent time last night, and i had so much fun being with you playing with you. I enjoyed it when you came up behind me and put your hands on me. I had fun holding hands with you, joking with you and just generally having fun.

See when I'm with you seems like all my worries go out the window and I enjoy being with you. Then to spend the night with you sleeping next to you entangled with you, touching you.

Maybe it's an escape for a bit, a little living a fantasy of which you are the central object.

And yes I see the doubt and worry in your eyes sometimes and I wonder if you really wish you were not there at the moment, not because of how you feel about me but because you too are conflicted. I have always told you I would never push you and I won't. Anywhere we go, I want to go together, without pushing or prodding.

And then comes the conflict, the guilt the worrying that it will all come apart. The promises and/or observations that we can't put ourselves into those situations again, but I know the time will come again when it is just you and I and I would most likely willingly go.

I think what it all boils down to is that you do something to and for me and the more I get the more I want... I should learn to be happy with what I've got, and the fact that that you and i have something good without complicating it more should be a place where I can be happy.

Oh well, just my thoughts for this evening.