Yesterday was a particularly bad day. Suffice to say I'm doing well putting her to the back of my mind... and as what happens so often with those sorts of things, when you least expect it *SMACK* right between the eyes with the reality that someone you counted on and believed in, for reasons which you have an inkling of but, really don't know, decided they didn't want to or couldn't be in your life any longer.
Yeah, it was a crappy day. Found myself, listening to that sappy XM acoustic artists station (51) for those of you that may have XM, and totally identifying with all the artists that a have been spurned by someone and choose to vocalize their torments while strumming a guitar.
This forum, AKA know as the blogosphere (1) is where I typically choose to whale, moan and lament a love that has been lost. Or if need be a dog, favorite pen, or misplaced car keys.
That said, I was able to spend some time with a friend last night discussing my plight, and they helped me to kind of put things in perspective, and for that I am grateful, thankful and find myself in debt.
So if you were expecting a poem or something mushy I'm sorry to disappoint.
"What?, What did you say?"
"Oh Shack, don't let us leave without a poem!"
"Really, I'm not feeling it."
"Pleeeeeeease Shack?"
"Okay, if you insist I will give you my first attempt at haiku."
Skanky-Ass Bitch
You skanky-ass(2) bitch
Fucking hoe, what have you done
Invading my thoughts
Invading my mind
Didn't we use to have fun
We can no longer
You made your choices
None of which included me
I'm now suffering
So skanky-ass winch
You took the greatest from me
Skanky-ass bitch, fucking ho, who needs to have the same done to her so she knows what it feels like to wallow in the self pity, self loathing, and general distain for one's being.
-- Shack
Okay, that kind of fell apart at the end there. Andy, writing that haiku shit is a little harder than it seems at first glance.
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[note] I noticed B did this on her blog and I kind of liked the idea... B, if you have a copyright or something on this documentation form, please let me know I will gladly refrain from using it.
(1) Is that right? Blogosphere? doesn't sound right. Microsoft Word said that was right and Bill Gates makes a little more money than I do so, it MUST be right.
(2) Word doesn't like this word either... if I have to use it too often I might have to add it to my dictionary.
13 comments:
Glad you're doing well. Are you sure she's in the back of your mind?
Yes, Blogoshpere. It's in Wikipedia, so you know it's been well researched by the best linguists.
Took me a while to read your haiku. Kept doubling over in laugher at the first line.
Excellet job on the poem. They way it fell apart at the end there reminds of the love song Sam Kinison used to perform. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LI-tW9pf9o)
Wow, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think I'll go with a third option - I'll go chase down the shanky ass bitch who did you wrong! LOL. Yeah, these moments hurt. Being dropped hurts bad enough, but it sucks even worse when you get no real explanation. And you work with her, right? So you still have to see her on a daily basis? That was the case with me when my first affair ended and it was unbearable - from constant communication to nothing and having to see this person every day, pure torture. I am curious what you're friend said about the situation, though. What conclusions did you come to?
Well, Shacky, what can I say? It moved me.
I won't tell you which part moved.
Hey, I sincerely hope you don't have to add "skanky-ass bitch" to your dictionary. There are some words which you always want Word to be estranged.
I am sorry about your "skanky-ass bitch".(I used to have a "manwhore" but I never wrote a poem about him)
You will build yourself back up in time and eventually even the anger will subside.
Everyone: "she" is not really a skanky-ass bitch, but words i wrote was a form of excising some for the feeling/demons i have from time to time.
heaven forbid, a form of therapy.
Andy: when i was writing that poem, esp. the last line there was something there that resonated... i knew i had hear such a tirade somewhere sometime, and i think Sam Kinison was it.
Lionia: TY, i hope you are laughing because i was grinning ear to ear writing the poem. i do like your third option.
i still work with her but not on a daily basis.
the situation that prompted the flood of feelings really were the actions of someone who didn't know what they want. my friend suggested that maybe she wasn't ready for a relationship. the thing about it is though, don't know that i could go back to the relationship at all. i laid it out there (my feelings, wants, desires, etc...) and it ended up NOT being reciprocated. so that relationship to me is in the past, except the reason for the bad feelings, sometimes i just don't have control over my feelings.
Conclusions:
1. that relationship is in the past, and it really was "her" problem not being able to deal with "our" relationship.
2. i have too much going on in my little life to try and put up with people who yank me back and forth (and not in a good way)
3. i am not looking to get laid. sorry guy (men here) if i let you down, with that statement.
oh don't get me wrong, torrid, one night flings can be fun (i.e. getting laid) and giving the right set of circumstances i would be a most willing participant, but that is not my motivation. (i hope that makes sense)
L: no i didn't add skanky-ass bitch to my dictionary. i do hope everything came out okay when you were moved. :)
Aurore: ty, i know it will and i am really doing quite well with it all... it's just that *smack* between the eyes when you aren't expecting it.
Why would you not looking to get laid let us down? I don't expect you (or any other guy) to chase everything that moves, or think that should happen.
Andy: you are correct and i don't think guys for the most part are like that. i was being a little facetious as that seems to be a stereo type of men, placed upon us by society.
one of my personal favorites: James Bond is a good example, with Pussy Galore (pun intended) coming at you, what is a man to do?
I love how you can feel us all begging for a poem! As if we're in a coffee house wearing berets. I'll start the appreciative snapping...
*snap* *snap* *snap*...
Love the poem!
I'm glad you felt better after chatting last night ;)
xoxo
Button: Berets, and coffee shop! Now that could end up being some fun role playing.
And I did feel better, thank you. ;)
xo
Ohhh, have I been there, that total-loss-of-perspective engendered by heartbreak of one variety or another. Symptom? Every song on the radio seems aimed DIRECTLY AT ME.
Side observation: is it me, or do affairs seem to turn the normal gender arrangements upside down? So many of the men seem interested in, well, romance, and so many of the women are all of a sudden holding the men at arm's length.
Perhaps it's because the men want to insulate themselves from the slings and arrows of courtship (which make one want to listen to XM 51, etc) and the women want to limit the risk of being on the other side of courtship. Like falling in love, or a lover's expectations which cannot be fulfilled.
It's all enough to make ya wanna listen to XM 51.
Helen: You may be right, about the normal gender arrangements being turned upside down.
Given your statements there are a multiple thought streams firing across my synapses at one time (I hope they don't crash into each other).
Thought #1: yes men are interested in romance, but aren't men wired to be hunter/gathers programmed to conquer (not to be read in a sexual conquests context). maybe the romantic feelings program gets kicked off when they (men) feel the need for something (i.e. love, respect, sex, etc.).
Thought #2: maybe affairs put men in a situation where they tend to be more romantic, because they never really obtain the prize in it's totality unless someone gets hurt.
This brings us to Thought #3, because women in general tend to avoid conflict and coming to rely on someone in a fashion that is not socially acceptable and really not acceptable to her spouse, causes her to, extend her arms to keep the man in question at that distance.
Dammit Helen, you do make me think.
oh for the record, I'm listening to Soundgarden "Spoonman" right now on iTunes, Shinedown is up next with "Heros". (it's part of my running playlist).
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You can put a man on trial, but you can't make the guilty pay
And you can cage an animal, but you can't take away the rage
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Oh yes, I was laughing :). Your poem was hysterical. I always love your poems, actually - both the funny ones and the wrenching ones :).
I loved this in your response: "...it really was "her" problem not being able to deal with "our" relationship." I really really get that. A lot of people seem to profess fear of the emotions of others when really it's their own feelings they fear. I have never allowed my fear of my own feelings to own me, but most people do and so the fact that I don't tends to freak out some of the people I'm feeling them for. I sense a hint of the same kind of thing from her in your situation, even though you didn't exactly say that. And I totally get you not wanting to just get laid. Sex without emotion doesn't do it for me either, particularly with men (it's a little different for me with women, but that's a whole blog post LOL).
Thank you for explaining the conclusions your friend helped you come to. Reading that was like a therapy session for me too :).
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