The thing about passion, expectations and desire is very rarely are they static. In light of my thoughts as of late about these topics it occurred to me that the parameters which define these things today will not be the same parameters which define them tomorrow.
So what does this realization mean? It means that it is the parameters effecting passion, desire and expectations are constantly changing because of my experiences.
I have to admit I was kind of proud of this realization, well maybe not so proud as much as relieved because it has helped me to have a better understanding of myself, and to focus on those things which are important.
No, it does not mean that all my passions, desires, and exceptions are fulfilled, but they just may change.
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5 years ago
13 comments:
I'm scratching my head a little. I THINK I get it.
So...are you hoping the circumstances will change, which will trigger a change in what you want/expect, and that that change will produce greater contentment?
I have to say, I'm with L on this one, we can manage our expectations so that we are not disappointed, or...we can take action to make the world more to our liking.
If we want something from some specific person, then we gotta put our expectations on the table and risk rejection or be accepted. If we are rejected -- or don't want to risk rejection with one person, well, we still retain the power of independent action to improve our lives without permission or help from anyone. And it's up to us how we use that. So often people use that power destructively or self-destructively; but it doesn't HAVE to be that way.
But waiting for circumstances to change, or for others to change their mind or their habits...let me put it this way: you can wait.
But ya don't gotta.
Helen:You are absolutely correct, and sorry if I got a little confusing.
I am at that point where I am managing my expectations, or maybe revising them.
Expressing my expectations has been done, and I still do from time to time but maybe less frequently because of rejection.
Case in point: sex, the wife doesn't want to as much for various reasons which I believe to be her own, chief of which, she doesn't "feel" sexy. Though I have expressed to her that she is, and we all know being sexy is more of an attitude as opposed to being ten pounds overweight.
Maybe that should be Expectations, Part IV though i was going to drop the subject. I could list my expectations and y'all could give me some suggestions on how to handle them.
Ah. Right.
The old bogeyman of body-image issues. I certainly had times in my relationship where my husband wanted sex and I did not because, well, I kinda felt repulsive.
Every time we have sex (save sex for one, bless Betty Dodson's heart for the coinage) we're having sex with (at least) two people: the other person, and us.
And we have to be attracted to both of them for the prospect to be, well, attractive.
I'm not sure you can change your wife's mind by telling her how you see her, although I wouldn't stop doing it. For me, basically I got out of the life stage I was in (early parenting) and I was less tired, started going to the gym again (which I had missed and very much enjoy now), and then, voila! I was suddenly interested in sex again.
My disinterest in sex had a lot more to do with my life circumstances (stressed, tired, upset) and my self-image than it ever did with my husband.
I think once anybody, male or female, gets into the state where they just don't feel ready to have sex, they and everybody around them has to accept that getting out of that state is a long-term process; it can't be fixed by a date night or any one conversation. It took a long time to get into it and it's going to take a long time to get out of it.
Sex is a byproduct of overall wellness. For some people, that might mean diet and exercise, or changing their job, or expanding their social life (isolation is bad for humans), or addressing any issues they have with addictive/compulsive behavior around food, alcohol, or other substances. If your wife (or you) know you have issues on one or more of those fronts but can't seem to make a plan or make progress on them, then you should get her or yourself to your GP and be screened for depression.
Hell, all the cool kids are taking antidepressants :)
In the meantime you can pass the time by reading Tristan Taormino's book "Opening Up."
Helen: That is very sound advice and I do appreciate it, and will take it under advisement. She is already on some anti-depressants and she is going through "the change" at a very early age.
I do have to ask you though a little bit about yourself. I mean you don't have a profile, or a blog, so I'm just a little curious. Ya know if you are going to give me a hard time and all. ;-)
Ohhhh, so THAT's your game -- I show you mine, and then I get to push you around a bit?
Who *knew* you were SO kinky!
Okay, I'll stop pulling your leg. Except to whine a bit about your frustrating nonspecificity. What do you want to know?
Well, what does anybody want to know, hm hm; I'm in my late thirties, married, sometimes happily, a mother and sexual adventurer. Under my real name, I do strange things on the Internets for a living, which, sadly, is not nearly as kinky as it sounds, but I do love it. Though sometimes I wish it had a dental plan.
Was that what you were looking for?
I am so kinky baby... you have no idea.
Not really, but i have to tug back on your leg a little.
I enjoy what you have to say, and you are very well spoken.
Funny, you pretty much summed me up except for the fact that I'm a guy. I do things on the Internet as well, I guess that's why it seems like I'm always on the computer, somewhat sexually frustrated, but overall I'm a very optimistic person though I have a sarcastic sense of humor, have kids as well.
I think I've just witnessed the birth of something beautiful
:-)
I feel like such a voyeur...but maybe that's the kink you both like
;-)
let's see...hotel room, check, webcam, check, IM mybutton, check...
ZOMG, did I just type that out loud!
Oops.
/laughs
From the photos I've seen here I presume I don't even live in a contiguous time zone, so everybody's chastity -- including mybutton's tender eyelids -- are pretty safe!
yes it is a beautiful thing... would you like to join us button?
You know what they say about change: it's the only constant.
I'd like to be at a dinner party with y'all. Though at some point I'd probably have to leave the room.
Unless you don't want me to?
L, I would love that too. Guest provisions would depend on who was playing host. But at my table? You'd stay as long as you liked.
ya know maybe we should have a conference. we could all meet in Las Vegas for two or three days. :-)
Ooo! *jumping up and down* I'd love to join in...even though it is fun to watch being included is so much more fun ;)
I vote for Vegas!
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