I've always felt strongly about the word "whatever", it is so many things rolled into one. But most of all it's dismissive, and I don't mean it that way in in the context of this post. In this case, it is dismissive not of you but more of holding on to the past.
See, I’ve been reading back over this blog and the things I have written over the past few months, and at some point, I realized today, I stopped writing for you, and I started writing for me. I imagine I will continue to write, though I’m not sure if I will change the name of this blog or not, because it isn’t for you anymore, and I know you don’t read it that much.
I know all that sounds kind of depressing, but it’s not in the least. I’ve taken some of your advice and the advice of some of my blogger friends and have started to do some proactive things in my marriage. I don’t know if they will make a difference, but I know not doing anything can only make it worse.
So there it is, ultimately it is my choice on life, love, happiness, and I suppose, being the eternal optimist that I am, I will bump my head against the wall some more and see what happens. Shake the tree and see if any apples fall down. Sorry, I liked the tree shaking analogy and wanted to use it.
So what does all this mean? I guess it means I don’t need you like I did at one time, hell, I wasn’t really looking for anyone when I found you. I knew something was missing and I looked to you to fill that, and probably still would.
So what did you say in the beginning? “This can only end bad?” Well, I guess it didn’t end that bad after all.
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5 years ago
3 comments:
Just as I was about to write a post on how I'm almost ready to give up on my marriage, I come here and read this, and it gives me a little glimmer of hope.
I hope that you can somehow find the spark you need to get it back on track - and please, if you do, come share it with me :)
Not all affair endings are bad ones, especially if they help one realize that having that passion at home is worth giving it the old college try.
The word "whatever" in context is one of those words that really require proper intonation. "Whatever, nevermind," as the fellows from Nirvana said, is akin to "I've already given up". "WhatEVah!" as said by teenage girls everywhere is saucy, self-involved, and says "I don't care what you think."
Then there's the "Whatever it takes" whispered by Clint Eastwood types everywhere. That's the whatever that says you haven't given up yet. It's the good one, I think.
No need to change the title of your blog, methinks, and one should always write for oneself, not the audience at hand, whoever they may be. It'll be interesting to see what happens next. I hope for all the good kinds of whatevers, the non-dismissive ones.
Kate: I will be interested in seeing what you have to say in your blog and where you end up going.
L: thanks for your support, and most of all thanks for your mind/words. I always savor the words you write.
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