Of course, I’m sure others have expectations of me such as, I bring home a pay check or I continue showing up at work. I would consider these rudimentary type expectations, unless I totally wig out one day and drive past the exit I must take to go to work, and believe me the thought has crossed my mind, more than once. But these types of expectations aren’t really expectations they are givens. It is a given I will do those things.
Then of course there are the expectations I have and maybe it is because of the mood I have been in recently or something related, but it has caused me to have fewer and fewer expectations of others. I find it is easier that way.
Simply put if I expect nothing, then nothing can be done to disappoint me. To take that a step further, if I have expectations of others then I, to a degree, relinquish some of myself reliance.
To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves--there lies the great, singular power of self-respect. - Joan Didion
6 comments:
I think the most problematic expectations are the unspoken ones.
Many people want to have their expectations of me met without having to risk talking to me about them, and thus risk being rejected. Does that mean they also have an expectation that I will read their mind :)?
I'm struggling with that right now. I'd like to subscribe to not having any expectations and be happy with what I get. The trouble is what I'm getting is crumbs. I'd don't like crumbs. I want the whole pie. I don't know how to turn off what I expect from him. Any suggestions?
mybutton: I read a lot of books about Buddhism, and some of what I read there did help me.
But my problem was that I did want more in my marriage, and I couldn't bring myself to not care about it.
I keep telling myself, ask for what you want, or don't ask; and then accept what comes from that choice and move forward accordingly. If I don't ask, I can hardly complain. If I do ask, and I am rejected, well, I will feel hurt, and I can decide how to respond to that to make for a better life for myself (and for my children, since I am a parent).
Hey, Shackleford, am I causing you grief over here? Seriously, you should say yes if I am -- what's to be lost? We're both just anonymous actors on these here Internets, so it's not like we're gonna have an awkward moment at the grocery store if you tell me to buzz off. But this is your living room, and I take my role as a guest seriously.
Plus, life is hard enough, isn't it? I certainly don't want to make your life any harder, even by a feather's weight. That's the truth.
...if I expect nothing, then nothing can be done to disappoint me...
This seems to be the great cry of the slacker GenX generation everywhere, and I'm not being insulting. I'm of that generation, and I've always lived by the mantra of "If I can't win, then I won't play" and "Expect the worst so you're never disappointed; if the best happens then you're even happier."
Problem is: that kind of thinking is passive. It always assumes things happen TO you rather than you making things happen. I'm bordering suspiciously on that dream it/be it kind of The Secret thinking, but I think it's better to live as if one's expectations may be shaken by one's own actions.
Oh, never mind: it's late; I've had a few beers. Not the best time to wax pithy philosophical.
Ladies I love each of you and most of all it is for your minds for i have never seen nor met you, save for button, she posts some pics from time to time :-), and isn't that one of the things women want?
Also because you are all very thoughtful about the things you write and you write well.
Helen: I will start by saying NO you do not cause me grief and I do look forward to what you have to say. And to that point I enjoy a good spirited discussion, it is kind of a turn on but, I digress. You are free to ask me anything or discuss anything with me.
I too want more, a way to connect and I think toning down my expectations is my way of dealing with the situation. It only makes me wonder what is the next stage.
Button: it is hard to be happy with crumbs, and maybe that's what causes us to look elsewhere for some sort of fulfillment. I will give some thought to your question, because I too have that problem because with unfulfilled expectations comes hurt, even rejection and you get to a point where you just don't care.
L: you make a good point and I can't argue against it in any way. I think what I may be dealing with is more "managing" expectations. My own expectations as well as those around me.
Uncanny. Yes, it's all about expectations for me too right now. I agree a little bit with the idea of expecting nothing, or little, and somewhat with the idea of asking for what you expect. I guess, to put it in a better way - you shouldn't really have to change what you want. You can, of course, but I've always found doing so far too limiting. But you also shouldn't expect someone else to provide what you want just because you want it - and that's kind of what an "expectation" is, really. At least the kind of expectation I think you're talking about - i.e., not the ones that are "given". You can, however, WANT them to provide it. And here I agree with Helen - if you want something, you should tell the person/people who you want it from (or at least try to make it pretty damn obvious, which is what I seem to be doing, given that there could be uncomfortable consequences of just outright spouting my desires). But wanting something and expressing that want, hoping it will be fulfilled, is not the same as "expecting" it to be fulfilled.
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